Dealing with the In-Laws

My mom and my grandma (her mother-in-law) have a very strained relationship. That is putting it nicely. It all started when my parents were newly married. They were living Utah at the time, where my dad’s parents live. My grandma insisted that they come home every weekend, even though they were living two hours away. My mom could not take the pressure and over-involvement of her new mother-in-law, plus she was feeling homesick, so my parents moved to Texas. I don’t think my grandma ever forgave my mother for this.

In this week of my marriage and family class we read material that looks at how the parents of a newly married couple should behave towards their children. All of the reading material talked about how even though the new couple is still a part of the family, they are branching off and starting their own family. They do not have to answer to the rules or expectations of either family anymore. They are to leave their mothers and fathers and cleave unto one another as husband and wife. They are supposed to look to their new spouse before they look to their parents. They are supposed to honor their spouse before they honor their parents. Putting your spouse first is the way you can make marriage work. I know my dad did this with my mom. He has always stood up for my mom against his mother, and he has set the standard for me of what kind of marriage I need to have.

Parents can help the new couple by leaving them to their own devices. Make it clear that you are there for them if they need your help, but give them space to make their own choices.

Seeing my mom’s relationship with my grandma always made me worry about my own relationship with my future mother-in-law. I hope that I love her, but I realize that it doesn’t matter so long as I have the support of my spouse. If we depend on each other and look to one another we will be able to successfully make our own family.

Becoming One

We often hear in the scriptures the idea of two becoming one. The two shall come together and twain be one flesh, so to speak. How in the world is this possible? Marriage involves two very different people trying to come together and make it work most of the time. We all have our different backgrounds and tastes. We all see the world a little bit differently. No two people are going to exactly agree on everything. So how can we keep this commandment to become one in purpose?

Elder Henry B. Eyring answers this question in his talk “That We may be one.” He says, “When people have the spirit with them, we may expect harmony.” So the simple answer is that we must follow the spirit. I believe this to be true. I believe that the spirit can lead us, guide us, and aid us in becoming one. When we have a difference of opinion with our spouse, we can seek answers from Heavenly Father through his spirit. The question is, how can we make sure that we have the spirit with us. I have a few ideas.

The first idea is to have weekly family home evening and daily family scripture study. These activities will bring you closer to every member of your family, and especially your spouse as the two of you work together to bring spiritual teachings into your home.

The second idea is to have daily family prayer. I suggest that you do this in the morning before everyone heads out for the day. Prayer teaches us humility and awareness of others and invites the spirit into our homes.

One final idea I have is to make sure that any entertainment you consume will allow you to keep the spirit in your home. This may mean foregoing that TV show you love or getting rid of that song with that one cuss word. Trust me; it will be worth it because when the spirit is in your home you will feel so much more joy and peace.

We should all make it a goal to keep the spirit in our lives as much as possible. When we do this, the spirit can guide us and soften our hearts so that two truly can become one.

Preventing Emotional Infidelity

We often think of being unfaithful as just physical unfaithfulness. We rarely think about how we could be emotionally cheating on our spouse. I am a single woman, and so I don’t have much experience with emotional cheating; however, I do have experience with preventing my married friends from growing too emotionally attached to me.

Two of my best friends are a married couple. The husband is one of my best friends in the world. The two of us have so much in common. He’s basically me in male form. But because we are so close, I have to make sure that I am careful in my actions so that his strongest attachment is with his wife.

For one thing, I try to keep myself from texting him too often. If I can, I usually try texting them both in a group text and only send him direct messages on occasion.

Another thing I do is I make sure we are never hanging out alone. If it is just the two of us hanging out we always have to be in a public place or that another person comes along.

A final thing I do is I make sure that my relationship with his wife is strong. I know that if I harbor a love and respect for her then I could never bear the thought of hurting her.

These aren’t perfect, foolproof ways but they are lines I have drawn to prevent strong emotional attachments that shouldn’t be there. As the single friend, I should be doing everything I can to support and sustain their marriage. Marriage needs a lot of support in order to survive, and as the single friends we should be the ones helping to build it up. Because we love our friends, we are happy for them, and we want them to succeed. And if none of this is convincing you to draw clear lines, then do it to avoid the confusion and drama. Emotionally connecting with someone who is married gets very complicated very quickly, and chances are you are the one who will end up getting hurt. So if nothing else, draw lines of protection to save yourself a little heartbreak.

Becoming Charitable

In his book Drawing Heaven into your Marriage, H. Wallace Goddard, Ph.D. quotes C.S. Lewis on charity:

When I come to my evening prayers and try to reckon up the sins of the day, nine times out of ten the most obvious one is some sin against charity; I have sulked or snapped or sneered or snubbed or stormed. And the excuse that immediately springs to my mind is that the provocation was so sudden and unexpected; I was caught off my guard, I had not time to collect myself. Now that may be an extenuating circumstance as regards those particular acts: they would obviously be worse if they had been deliberate and premeditated. On the other hand, surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth?

I like this idea that our natural reactions help us to identify and recognize who we truly are on the inside. It makes sense to me that if we are a truly charitable person, then our first reaction would be to reach out in love and understanding. If we are not truly charitable, then our first reaction would be to become angry or offended. The question is, how do we get to the point where we become instinctively charitable? The only answer I have to offer: patience, diligence, and practice.

We have to patient with ourselves. We cannot expect ourselves to be charitable right away. That goes against the natural man. When you mess up just remember to be patient, repent, and try again.

We must also be diligent. Becoming charitable is not something that occurs overnight. We need to make the commitment to see ourselves through and consistently work at becoming better.

Finally, we must practice being charitable. This means consciously trying to be charitable. It means that when we have an uncharitable thought, we mentally slap ourselves and correct the initial reactions. As we do this, we will begin to notice a change in ourselves.

I am not saying that this process will make us become perfectly charitable, but if we commit to becoming more we will slowly become a little better every day.

Anger is a Choice

In his talk “Agency and Anger” Elder Lynn G. Robbins talks about how anger is actually a choice. This seems odd. I know that when I feel angry it is a natural reaction to outside forces acting on me. Robbins argues that the idea that we are a slave to our anger is one of Satan’s greatest lies. After experiencing a situation that caused me to be angry, and choosing to not be angry but instead reach out in love, I know that what Elder Robbins teaches is truth.

There was a guy who I was absolutely in love with. We were good friends. I have a particularly flirty roommate, and she knew how I felt about him, but that didn’t stop her from hardcore flirting with him in front of me when he would hang out at our apartment or when we went out on group hangouts, and this really hurt me. I confronted my roommate twice about her actions and how they were affecting me. I wasn’t trying to attack her, I was simply trying to express to her that her actions were hurting me. Both times she blew me off. She told me that she didn’t care how I felt, this is who she is, and if I wanted to be her friend I would just have to learn to accept it. Admittedly, the second time I said some choice words to her and stormed out of our apartment, where I proceeded to burst into tears. Confrontation is very hard for me. This was the first experience I had really had dealing with someone who absolutely did not care about my feelings and was unapologetic about hurting me. She never did apologize sincerely to me, and it came down to me. I had to decide what I was going to do.

Over the next few weeks I made the decision that I was going to kill her with kindness. I was going to be the bigger person and not let her actions prevent me from reaching out in Christ-like love. Whenever she would do things to purposely hurt me, I turned the other cheek.I chose to not let her anger me. Instead, I reached out to her with kindness.  I encouraged her in her goals. I built up her self-esteem. I learned to love her in spite of the way she treated me.

This experience prepared me for my own future marriage. I learned that even in the closest relationships, your partner/friend can do things that hurt or annoy you. Through this experience, I learned that anger got me nowhere. When I reached out with kindness, love, and service thought, the relationship was much improved and I felt better about myself. Marriage is about giving and loving all that we can, and thanks to this roommate I learned to love completely selflessly someone who did things that hurt and annoyed me.

The Shift of Roles in Marriage

Dr. John M. Gottman points out that one of the great problems affecting modern marriages is the fact that gender roles in marriage are shifting. Traditionally, men had the role of being the provider of the home while the woman was the nurturer and homemaker. More and more women are entering the workforce and complaining to their husbands about how they are not taking an active role in the home. This shift in roles can be understandably confusing.

I know have seen this type of confusion in my own life. I grew up in a home where parent’s played out the traditional roles.  My dad brought home the bacon and my mom was the homemaker. Due to modern society, there was a lot of confusion in the home. I remember that my mother would complain to my father all the time about how she was not a maid and that he needed to take a more active role in cleaning and taking care of the home. This was very frustrating for my father, who already spent the whole day working. I compare this to another couple I know, and have spent much time in their home. This couple has drawn a clear line between their individual responsibilities. The mother is clearly responsible for the rearing of the children, while the husband is responsible for providing for the family. Because the wife knows and accepts her role, she has no expectations of her husband to do the role that she has chosen. She does not complain to him at all. Because of this, I have noticed that he willingly chooses to help her in the home. This is an interesting observation to me and tells me that when we do not have nagging expectations of our partners, they are more likely to help you.

Ultimately the world is changing and the definitions of marriage change every day. I think the best thing you can do for your marriage is drawing a clear line right now for what your role will be as a caretaker and provider. That way there will be less strife in the home because you and your partner both know your respective roles.  

Marriage as a Divine Calling

I had never really thought of marriage as a divine calling. I always thought of it as something that happened when two people fell in love. It is that, but it is also a divine institution created by God to refine you and help you become who you need to become.

I used to think of marriage as something that may or may not happen for me. If it happened it happened. There was nothing I could do to control it. While this is mostly true, knowing what a divine role marriage is meant to play in my life makes me want to play more of an active role in trying to get there. It makes me want marriage so much more than I did.

It makes sense to me that marriage is a divine institution that plays a pivotal role in our growth and development here on Earth. Everything we do here is meant to help us grow and become more like our Heavenly Father. If marriage was appointed by Him, it must be important and intended to help us become like Him and draw closer to Him. It is something that is eternally lasting and one of the things we must do in order to return to Him. This, to me, makes marriage more of an ideal goal, something to word towards, uphold, and protect.

Now what does this mean for those of us who may never marry? Who may be doing everything they can to achieve that ideal goal, but never attain it here in this life? Does that mean that Heavenly Father loves that person any less because they were not blessed with that celestial blessing that allows growth and becoming? Absolutely not! Heavenly Father loves each and every one of His children and He wants each of us to come back to Him. But marriage truly is one of those things we have no control over whether or not it happens to us because it involves the agency of another person. Heavenly Father may be all-powerful but He will not take away another person’s agency. But He will always love you. And even in the single life, we can still uphold and look to an eternal marriage. Because ultimately we will all have celestial marriage, whether in this life or the next.

Getting Reacquainted with your Spouse

Are you the same person you were five years ago? I didn’t think so. How about a year ago? Probably not. Even if you feel like you are generally the same person you were, every day you are changing and evolving. You are exposing yourself to new things. You watched a new movie that you liked or didn’t like. You started that new Netflix show. You found a new food you really like. Every day we are adding to the make-up of who we are. If we are constantly changing so much, how are we possibly supposed to keep up in our marriages? How are we supposed to truly know our spouse when he/she is changing every day?

That is why we must commit to getting to know our spouse every day. It requires consistent effort on our part, asking questions in order to get to know them and who they are becoming. The moment we think we’ve got them down is the moment we should pause, because we probably don’t know them as well as we think we do.

One fun way of doing this is playing get to know you games. Dr. John M. Gottman has quite a few great ones in his book The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work. Make getting to know your spouse fun and an adventure.

Now the question arises: why? Why would we put so much time and effort into truly getting to know our spouse? Why does it even matter? Well, according to Dr. Gottman doing this fundamental thing of getting to know your spouse will help you in your marriage when times are getting rough. It helps because there will be fewer problems with communication. You will know your spouse better than anyone else, and you will know how to work together to get through those rough times.

So commit today to get to know your spouse better than anyone. Play get to know you games. Take the the Love Language test (more than once, I have found that my love language constantly evolves.) I promise you that it will be worth it.

Marry Your Best Friend

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In all honesty, I never understood the concept of “marrying your best friend.” I didn’t want to marry my best friend. I wanted to marry my true love. I never thought I would marry my best friend. I always thought I would meet someone, fall unbelievably in love, we would immediately know we were right for each other, get married, and live happily ever after. Even though I am nowhere close to getting married, my thoughts on the subject have changed a little. Now I know I want to get married

to my best friend, because according to Dr. John M. Gottman, “happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.”

This makes sense to me. A marriage and romantic relationship should be built on the solid foundation of friendship. Why? Because friendship allows us to have a deeper understanding of the other person. It allows us to form a connection and true knowledge of that individual. According to Gottman, friendship is helpful in marriage because allows the expression of love in “small gestures day in and day out.” This gestures can be as small and simple as texting to check up on them, asking how their day was, and consistently inquiring about the parts that make that person up. Couples tend to forget how important this solid foundation is, believing that marriage should only center on big romantic occasions such as going out to dinners or having lavish anniversaries. The problem with this is that they are infrequently working on building that relationship and lose that understanding they once had of each other. Focusing on the friendship requires consistent, small, everyday efforts to sustain the relationship. Like I said, this is ultimately the best thing a couple can do for their marriage. It makes conflict in marriage much smoother because the couple has that deeper knowledge of each other, and so there are fewer misunderstandings and miscommunications.

This is not to say that romance is not important or necessary in a marriage. Obviously, romance is very important in marriage. After all, falling in love is what made you want to get married in the first place. But the success of a marriage is ultimately dependent on sustaining a lifelong friendship.

Men and Women Need Each Other

Elder Bednar teaches two very important concepts in his talk "Marriage is Essential to His Eternal Plan". The first is that men and women were not intended to be alone, but together in marriage. The second is that men and women complete each other and both bring something into an eternal marriage that will help them achieve celestial glory. 

I love the first point because it brings me comfort. Heavenly Father did not intend for us to be alone, he wants us to be in eternal marriages. In fact, it is a commandment to be married in the temple. Without this crucial covenant, we cannot achieve exaltation. There are, of course, those who will not have the blessing of eternal marriage in this life. I know many such people. I have an Aunt who is fifty years old and has never been married. My family tends to pity her because of her marital status. I used to shudder at the thought of being like her. I feared being alone for the rest of my life, feeling like my personal success in life was dependent on whether or not I married. Now I know better. I know that even if I don't get married in this life, I can and will in the next.

Heavenly Father's intention is not for us to be alone forever, and His plan is perfect. If we do not get married in this life, we have the opportunity to marry in the next. This concept fits so perfectly with the idea of a loving Heavenly Father who cares for His children and wants them to return to them. Of course, he would provide another way if they could not achieve all that they hoped they would in this life. This knowledge brings me such peace, knowing that no matter what happens my Heavenly Father will always take care of me. 

The second point I really liked from Elder Bednar's talk was the fact that men and women complete each other. The traits of women are divinely different from men, and vice versa. I love this idea, because as romanticized as it may seem, it is also very true. Men and women are different and intended to be so. Each has traits that the other needs. They are like puzzle pieces that, when matched up, help complete the puzzle and everything makes sense. 

Defenders of Marriage

Some might see it as superfluous to attempt to continue to champion traditional marriage. The battle is already lost, gay marriage has already been legalized right? Well actually, wrong. We should still continue to fight for what we believe in, even if the world disagrees. Marriage between a man and a woman is important. It is ordained of God and is the designated means by which his spirit children can come to Earth and receive mortal bodies. It was instituted when he married Adam and Eve that special commandment to multiply and replenish the Earth, something that is only possible between a man and a woman. It is His plan for man and woman to join together in holy matrimony, so that by that appointed means His spirit children may come to this Earth.

That is why we must still make a fight and a stand for traditional marriage. Not out of hate or spite for those who are homosexual, but out of love for the Lord and His plan. We have to protect the things that are sacred. We have to continue to fight for what we know to be true.

This is all important, but we must remember to be respectful. We cannot condemn or hate those who live differently from us or have different ideals. I have a dear friend who has recently come out as gay, and she now lives with her girlfriend. This friend is very aware of my beliefs, as I have shared them in a respectful way. The funny thing is, I didn't have to be in her face about my beliefs. I simply lived according to the way I knew I was supposed to live and my friend noticed my example and asked questions. Because of this, I had the amazing opportunity of sharing my beliefs with her. When she came out as gay, she called me and expressed how she hoped that there would be no hard feelings between us. I told her that while I may not agree with the way she chooses to live her life, that does not mean that I do not love her and that we cannot be friends. We still stay in contact regularly and it is one of the most precious relationships I have.

We can only advocate what we know to be true. We must do so in a respectful way, i.e. in such a way that the spirit can be invited in. That might mean listening to the other side’s argument. It might mean staying silent but firm when facing opposing viewpoints. We can stand true to what we believe without bringing the spirit of contention. We can share our beliefs without adding to the confusion and frustration and the world. And if we teach with correct principles and the spirit, hopefully the world will listen. The most important thing we can do though is love. Unconditionally love. 

Avoid Marrying the Wrong Person

According to Elder Oaks and Elder Faust, divorce is something that is very strongly discouraged in the LDS church. We do not get divorced when marriage becomes difficult. We do not break apart the family because the spouses simply can't resolve their differences. The leaders of the church encourage couples to work through marital problems and seek counsel from their bishop. Oaks explains that he has often found that the couples who work to keep their marriage intact often find that it is stronger than it was before. Divorce is necessary in some circumstances, such as a story Elder Oaks mentions about a newlywed couple in the Phillipines. The husband left, abandoning his wife. There are times when divorce might be necessary, such as when one of the spouse's is unfaithful or abusive; however, aside from these special circumstances the church strongly encourages its members to stay married.

One thing Elder Oaks suggests to prevent divorce is avoiding marrying the wrong person. This makes sense that we would try to avoid marrying someone who would leave us or hurt us. Of course, we may not always be able to tell that a relationship will ultimately go downhill. And we shouldn't blame someone for their marriage not working out. But, we should do as much as we possibly can before we get married to make sure that we are marrying the right person. One of the biggest, most important things we can do to ensure we are going down the right path is pray about it. We can pray about the person to our Heavenly Father and we can ask if this person is a good choice for us. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He will listen and guide us accordingly. Ask and you shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you. If you do this, Heavenly Father will lead you to the best possible spouse for you. 

As a single woman, I do all I can to apply this counsel into my own life. I am terrified of marrying the wrong person, and so I am very prayerful about the men that I date. Not just because I am afraid of divorce, but because I know what my ultimate goal is. I want a marriage and a love that will last forever, and I want to find that someone who is willing to work with me every day to make our marriage work. I know that as I pray and seek to know my Heavenly Father's will and His counsel, He can help me find the best possible spouse for me.

Love is not a Fairytale

Love is not a fairytale. I know I chose the most cliched title ever! But before we get into this, let me start by introducing myself.

Hi! I'm Jensen Argyle. I am a college senior studying English with an emphasis in creative writing. I am 21 years old and I am single. That's right, I'm not married. So why in the world am I writing a marriage blog then? Good question. Well, I am taking a class on marriage and hopefully that will help me to understand a little bit more about marriage. I am not saying that I am suddenly going to be the marriage guru, but hopefully there will be some interesting and insightful things I can learn and share with you.

So let's start with some things I am learning and began learning before I started this class. First I need to share something quite personal about myself. I may not be married, but I am in love. I also really hope he doesn't find this blog. Anyways, in the past few months I have learned quite a few things that will hopefully carry over into my married life. The most important thing I have learned is that love is not always easy. In the past, when I was in love, I was completely blind in adoration. I did not see the other person's faults and to me this is person was perfection personified. This time is a little different. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love and adore this man I am talking about. He is everything to me and I hope that he is the one I get to spend forever with. But he is not perfect, and I am very aware of his flaws this time around. There are days when I still love him, but I absolutely do not like him. He is driving me nuts and I can't take it anymore. There are some days when I am wondering why I bother putting so much effort into our relationship. He is not showing me the love I feel I deserve. And then I pray about it. I pray about him, pouring my heart out to my Heavenly Father and expressing everything that I am feeling. In the moments after I pray, something wonderful begins to happen to me. The spirit touches my heart. It soothes me and heals all of the parts that are hurting. And it reminds me how much I love this man. He is someone I have committed to, someone who I want to spend forever with. In the past months that this has been going on, I have been feeling a change in me and the way I see relationships.

What I am learning in this experience is that marriage is going to be very, very hard. There is no such thing as prince charming. The man I marry will be flawed, just like I myself have flaws. And because he will be flawed, there are going to be days when he makes me angry, unintentionally hurts me, or drives me insane. I am learning that on those days where nothing in my relationship is going right, I can turn to Heavenly Father and He can help see me through. He can heal me and give me the stamina I need. Most importantly, He can remind me of how much I love the man I have committed to and why it is so important to continue trying. I am so grateful for these lessons that I get to learn now in better preparation for marriage. I know that as long as I turn to my Heavenly Father and try to include Him in my personal relationships, He will help me succeed. And I know that by drawing closer towards my Heavenly Father, I also draw closer to the person in that relationship.